In a couple of days, I'll be moving out. Due to the quarantine, my roommates, who are both freelance musicians, had all of their booked gigs cancelled/postponed pretty much through the end of the year. Rather than accrue months of unpaid rent, they elected to give notice and move in with friends/family who can take them in. I had no choice but to give notice as well, and with no job and limited funds, it looks like I'll be prevailing on friends until I can start back to work or find a new job. Fortunately, I've been offered space to store my belongings during this sojourn. Still, I've gone through my stuff and have elected to leave some stuff behind, most of it knick knacks and souvenirs accumulated over the years.
Despite this (or perhaps more so because of it) I remain committed to getting a meal to Central Park every Tuesday since there's no one else serving a meal in the area (shout out to former roommate "D" who's offered to let me cook at his place - on his front porch - social distancing, you know). Apparently some folks travel out to Hollywood for a meal during the week because it's the only one they know of on that day of the week.
This week, I showed up at the park, got set up and starting serving meals. Most of the people now are regulars, but we're starting to get some new faces. One such person came after I'd served all the regulars. She said something to the effect that because of how we were helping, we were going to be blessed by God. We stuck up a conversation, and suddenly she asked how I was doing. I said I was OK, and she immediately replied: "You have sad eyes."
I was caught off guard. As I reflect on this, I can see that I've been attempting to motor my way through - I've slept in my car before - and I'm prepared to do it again, but clearly this has and will continue to affect me emotionally. I can't be in denial about this. But another part of me is responding to something I'm not sure I can articulate fully at this point. Having people comment on my emotional state in a caring way, is not part of my normal experience as I tend to keep people at arm's length. And having experienced it in the context of helping others adds a few more shades of gray I'm trying to differentiate. They say that caring is something you do where you and others both grow in the process. I guess this is how it's going to be for me.
