Crosetti 10 Years Later

 I posted about an episode of the TV series: homicide: life on the street ten years ago. i was reviewing the blog entry and decided to revisit this.

I rewatched the last few minutes of the episode and yes I continued to feel the resonance in observing Pembleton being a one man honor guard but I discovered that another subplot of the episode that also sparked an emotional resonance in how Crosetti's partner was so sure that Crosetti must have been the victim of foul play because if he had been suicidal the partner would have seen the signs. However, the autopsy report indicated the presence of a number of different tranquilizers and anti-depressants in Crossetti's blood, not to mention a blood alcohol of .25 (over 3 times the legal limit). When this comes to light, the partner loses it and bursts into tears because he'd had no idea that his partner was that disturbed.

I consider this a good sign because it's resonating with my own sense of neglect in being aware of how other people are doing.

SOTU

For want of a better title, I've tentatively named it SOTU as a acronym for state of the union, prompted by going through this blog and rediscovering a number of milestones on this journey which has seemingly gone in directions which resulted in my crossing paths. And it's necessary that I somehow acknowledge this to see how far I've come since this all started.

While I continue to make posts here, the reality is that BK has gone by the wayside and the goal is to get another 501(c)3 launched within the next 12 months. I may elect to start a new blog that reflects that or just continue to post here so as to keep the details of journey a bit more linear to follow.

After reviewing my stories about various people I've encountered along the way as well as comments about my way out of the shadows, I guess I'd say I've regressed in some ways and hidden in the shadows of the dragon I'd identify as the pandemic. I have no stories about people who've been coming to dinner because the pandemic prompted me to adopt a protocol that's kept me at arm's length hiding behind a portable serving table set up on the sidewalk that allows us to serve food without actually being in the park. 

Some of these people have managed to find ways to be living indoors now, but that seems to result in a whole new set of challenges for those involved - and it seems I'm being drawn (or more appropriately, being dragged kicking and screaming) to expand beyond a weekly dinner to help these people with these challenges.

A lot of it has been driven by someone I've referred to as Rob who has been in town for about nine months and is headed back to Miami this week where he considers himself to be "home" now. I've been resistant to his goading, but it was actually a scene from episode of a TV series called NCIS Origins that finally brought me to where I am now.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it is a prequel to the long running series NCIS whose main appeal (IMO) was in the personage of the main character federal agent former Marine sniper Gibbs whose life was scarred by the murder of his wife and daughter due to their witnessing a crime committed by a Mexican gangster. The federal agent assigned to the case breaks a rule by letting Gibbs learn the location of that gangster in Mexico resulting in Gibbs sneaking into Mexico and using his sniper skills to assassinate the gangster, after which Gibbs then left the Marines and became a federal agent. The show kinda jumped the shark when Gibbs became well-adjusted and everyone on the show was happy IMO. I think the powers that be recognized this and developed the prequel, which goes back and starts with the murder of the wife and daughter. Offscreen Gibbs commits the assassination and wants to tell the federal agent who befriended Gibbs, but the federal agent who that knows that he broke a rule by revealing the information and is also trying to deal with some marital problems gives Gibbs the cold shoulder.  With no one else to turn to Gibbs goes into a serious emotional downspin but forms an unlikely (and only) friendship with his apartment manager, a short, loudmouthed, overweight woman who's alienated her son due to her brusque ways. Gibbs gets into a number of bar fights and when both the federal agent and the apartment manager go to get him out of jail - the federal agent wanting to chew him out, there's a confrontation between the two. She tells the agent that he's gained Gibbs' respect and berates the agent for abandoning Gibbs. When the agent claims that it's not his business, she responds with:

"... it *is* your business. you just wish it wasn't. two separate things, you selfish PRICK!"

This line hit me right between the eyes. I've discovered that some of the regulars actually talk about me every day and they want to spend more time with me.

And maybe I'm in denial, but I'd like to go back and say that it might be more accurate that it's my fear of failure that's held me back, but either way something that's tied to the issues I had with my mother also got a flashlight shone on them in a subsequent scene where Gibbs (Mark Harmon from NCIS) is narrating and describing the morning of his first day of being a federal agent with memories of his family completely disrupting his emotional equilibrium. He wants to just lie in bed curled up in a fetal position 

"...but then I heard a voice in my head say: 'Leroy, quit being a little bitch and get up and go to work!"

which is of course what the apartment manager (who developed terminal cancer but reconciled with her son and spent her last months living with him which is all she wanted. besides saving Gibbs) would have told him.

I've been looking for a cheerleader (with BIG pompoms) when maybe what I need more is a drill sergeant to kick my butt to get into gear.