Crosetti 10 Years Later

 I posted about an episode of the TV series: homicide: life on the street ten years ago. i was reviewing the blog entry and decided to revisit this.

I rewatched the last few minutes of the episode and yes I continued to feel the resonance in observing Pembleton being a one man honor guard but I discovered that another subplot of the episode that also sparked an emotional resonance in how Crosetti's partner was so sure that Crosetti must have been the victim of foul play because if he had been suicidal the partner would have seen the signs. However, the autopsy report indicated the presence of a number of different tranquilizers and anti-depressants in Crossetti's blood, not to mention a blood alcohol of .25 (over 3 times the legal limit). When this comes to light, the partner loses it and bursts into tears because he'd had no idea that his partner was that disturbed.

I consider this a good sign because it's resonating with my own sense of neglect in being aware of how other people are doing.

SOTU

For want of a better title, I've tentatively named it SOTU as a acronym for state of the union, prompted by going through this blog and rediscovering a number of milestones on this journey which has seemingly gone in directions which resulted in my crossing paths. And it's necessary that I somehow acknowledge this to see how far I've come since this all started.

While I continue to make posts here, the reality is that BK has gone by the wayside and the goal is to get another 501(c)3 launched within the next 12 months. I may elect to start a new blog that reflects that or just continue to post here so as to keep the details of journey a bit more linear to follow.

After reviewing my stories about various people I've encountered along the way as well as comments about my way out of the shadows, I guess I'd say I've regressed in some ways and hidden in the shadows of the dragon I'd identify as the pandemic. I have no stories about people who've been coming to dinner because the pandemic prompted me to adopt a protocol that's kept me at arm's length hiding behind a portable serving table set up on the sidewalk that allows us to serve food without actually being in the park. 

Some of these people have managed to find ways to be living indoors now, but that seems to result in a whole new set of challenges for those involved - and it seems I'm being drawn (or more appropriately, being dragged kicking and screaming) to expand beyond a weekly dinner to help these people with these challenges.

A lot of it has been driven by someone I've referred to as Rob who has been in town for about nine months and is headed back to Miami this week where he considers himself to be "home" now. I've been resistant to his goading, but it was actually a scene from episode of a TV series called NCIS Origins that finally brought me to where I am now.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it is a prequel to the long running series NCIS whose main appeal (IMO) was in the personage of the main character federal agent former Marine sniper Gibbs whose life was scarred by the murder of his wife and daughter due to their witnessing a crime committed by a Mexican gangster. The federal agent assigned to the case breaks a rule by letting Gibbs learn the location of that gangster in Mexico resulting in Gibbs sneaking into Mexico and using his sniper skills to assassinate the gangster, after which Gibbs then left the Marines and became a federal agent. The show kinda jumped the shark when Gibbs became well-adjusted and everyone on the show was happy IMO. I think the powers that be recognized this and developed the prequel, which goes back and starts with the murder of the wife and daughter. Offscreen Gibbs commits the assassination and wants to tell the federal agent who befriended Gibbs, but the federal agent who that knows that he broke a rule by revealing the information and is also trying to deal with some marital problems gives Gibbs the cold shoulder.  With no one else to turn to Gibbs goes into a serious emotional downspin but forms an unlikely (and only) friendship with his apartment manager, a short, loudmouthed, overweight woman who's alienated her son due to her brusque ways. Gibbs gets into a number of bar fights and when both the federal agent and the apartment manager go to get him out of jail - the federal agent wanting to chew him out, there's a confrontation between the two. She tells the agent that he's gained Gibbs' respect and berates the agent for abandoning Gibbs. When the agent claims that it's not his business, she responds with:

"... it *is* your business. you just wish it wasn't. two separate things, you selfish PRICK!"

This line hit me right between the eyes. I've discovered that some of the regulars actually talk about me every day and they want to spend more time with me.

And maybe I'm in denial, but I'd like to go back and say that it might be more accurate that it's my fear of failure that's held me back, but either way something that's tied to the issues I had with my mother also got a flashlight shone on them in a subsequent scene where Gibbs (Mark Harmon from NCIS) is narrating and describing the morning of his first day of being a federal agent with memories of his family completely disrupting his emotional equilibrium. He wants to just lie in bed curled up in a fetal position 

"...but then I heard a voice in my head say: 'Leroy, quit being a little bitch and get up and go to work!"

which is of course what the apartment manager (who developed terminal cancer but reconciled with her son and spent her last months living with him which is all she wanted. besides saving Gibbs) would have told him.

I've been looking for a cheerleader (with BIG pompoms) when maybe what I need more is a drill sergeant to kick my butt to get into gear.

Home Life

 I've been able to connect with a number of people over the years, and while everyone has a different story, some details seem to repeat themselves to a startling degree. And it's the one identified in the title. One person who I was able to help find a job remains gainfully employed and has been living indoors for over a year now after what I estimate to have been about fifteen (15) years of living outdoors. Addiction is a big part of his story - not for him, but rather for his mother, which resulted in his living outdoors before he finished high school. Two others who are also now gainfully employed were in foster care. The reality is that foster care doesn't prepare children for life. The commonly accepted stats are as follows:

- nationally, 20% of those who age out of foster care live outdoors within their first four years afterwards. in CA, the percentage is almost 31%;

- nationally, approximately 29% of youth without housing between the ages of 13 and 25 have spent time in foster care;

- 61% of the homeless who were in foster care are likely to be incarcerated, vs. 46% of homeless youth who were never in foster care;

- 47% of all former foster care youth who've lived outside also did so with their biological families vs. 9% of non-foster youth;

I tutor, so this resonates with me. A lot of the time, the main thing I have to do is give a student the confidence that they can do the work. So I can see that a lot of these kids might not know how to go about reaching goals, but a lot of them won't even be motivated to set goals because they don't believe that they might reach these goals. 

I suppose that this is about my thinking about exploring what I can do to help improve things, but also for any of you reading this to consider if this motivates you to try and make some sort of positive impact in the life of a single kid who might be capable of great things if they had a meaningful support system.

Social Capital

It's a phrase I discovered only recently, in the context of research done by someone named Jacqueline Mattis at my alma mater (University of Michigan Ann Arbor) which she titled: 

Exploring Love and Transformative Engagement in the Diaspora (ELATED)

Looking into her research, I am now better able to verbalize one of my goals if not the primary goal for what I do, which is facilitate the growth of social capital among those who live outdoors. While Mattis' work concentrates specifically on African American and diasporic communities, there's significant overlap as many in those communities live outdoors as well as she (taken from Jacqueline Mattis, PH.D. | U-M LSA Center for the Study of Black Youth in Context (umich.edu)) "examines the extent to which, and ways in which, various domains of religiosity and spirituality (e.g., people’s self-definition as religious and or spiritual, involvement in formal and public aspects of religious life) inform such positive outcomes as forgiveness, empathy, compassion, altruism, volunteerism, and community involvement among those who live with the challenges associated with urban life."

These outcomes can be categorized as results of social capital, a term coined by Alexis De Tocqueville. L.J. Hanifan described it this way in 1916, contrasting it to material goods:

"I do not refer to real estate, or to personal property or to cold cash, but rather to that in life which tends to make these tangible substances count for most in the daily lives of people, namely, goodwill, fellowship, mutual sympathy and social intercourse among a group of individuals and families who make up a social unit.… If he may come into contact with his neighbour, and they with other neighbours, there will be an accumulation of social capital, which may immediately satisfy his social needs and which may bear a social potentiality sufficient to the substantial improvement of living conditions in the whole community. The community as a whole will benefit by the cooperation of all its parts, while the individual will find in his associations the advantages of the help, the sympathy, and the fellowship of his neighbours."

Social Capital is a major goal, but this cannot be accomplished with first facilitating a sense of community, which is a goal of serving a weekly dinner at the park. The meals are simple yet nutritious, The tactical goal is ensuring that people are nourished physically, while the tactical goal is to recreate the environment most commonly associated with the traditionally family dinner with the goal of building a sense of community.

Mattis' research has prompted me to reevaluate my approach. Mattis' faith is a factor in her research as she attempts to measure/document the correlation between Social Capital and faith. While I profess my faith as motivation for what I do, and we used to conduct a Bible Study after dinner (we were holding such a study when I was attacked and had a branch of my carotid severed by someone wielding a box cutter - but that's another story documented in another blog of mine), we no longer do anything overtly faith based (and one of our volunteers is an avowed atheist - but we're working on him in our own way), I'm beginning to feel like I need to make this overt in certain ways I have yet to determine. But it occurs to me that within a faith based perspective, I would be looking to facilitate fellowship. But that also means I would be overtly evangelizing those who come to dinner. 

Francisco

 A couple of posts/articles from the online publication Pasadena Now prompts this post. The article reported the results of an area poll which revealed that voters have very little faith in local government when it comes to addressing the issues associated with homelessness. The people polled revealed a consensus belief that the causes of homelessness fall into four categories:

- mental illness;

- addiction;

- those choosing not to work and being homeless as a result;

- those affected by the economy;

While I am in some ways encouraged that the people polled understand that not all the people currently living outdoors either have mental or addiction issues, my personal experience tells me not to assume that any of these four categories (which each have a certain level of validity) apply to any given individual. 

The other article was in response to the unseasonably warm weather we're currently experiencing and how that has resulted in a drastic increase in the local mosquito population. This was reported as a health concern as mosquitos are capable of spreading a number of diseases which were listed, including the West Nile virus, for which there is no cure.

These articles converge in the personage of someone named Francisco, whose last name I never learned. Francisco was maybe 5' tall and spoke with an accented lisp, which made it difficult to understand him. Like many Mexicans, he'd found work in various roles in the restaurant industry, and we had a number of enjoyable conversations about food and cooking. In addition to his culinary depths, I discovered a very curious intellect; when prompted, he'd talk about whatever free lectures he'd attended on the USC campus that week, on topics ranging from physics to literature. I began to look forward to seeing him every week, and I found myself lamenting how his speech impediment and his overall appearance probably led people to believe that he was dim-witted and uneducated while he was probably more intelligent and competent than the majority of coworkers I've had.

Unfortunately, Francisco contracted the Nile Virus and he was hospitalized for a number of weeks, and he passed away about a month after being released from the hospital, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'd completely forgotten about him until I saw the reference to the Nile Virus. So this is as much a reminder to myself as it is about letting other people know who Francisco was, and when it comes to understanding the causes of homelessness, each individual has their own story or as therapists might say, the causes are overdetermined.

 

Sympathy, Empathy & Compassion

I am cross-posting this entry from another of my blogs,

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 I've chosen to make working with the homeless an essential part of my life, and I imagine that people who know this make basic assumptions about me and my motivations, and people might use terms such as compassion, sympathy or empathy. And those terms would be apt, but those terms should not be used interchangeably. I will summarize/plagiarize the differences as they've been explained to me as follows:

Sympathy are the feelings one has in response to someone else's situation. And you see it commonly expressed as follows: "I'm sorry for your loss." The thing is that it's about one's own response and otherwise does little to alleviate another person's suffering..

Empathy is feeling what another person is feeling. And some people who are suffering can benefit more from empathy than sympathy, but it's been suggested that empathy can be taken too far such that it can lead to tribalism among those with shared experiences, which can involve "good" feelings such as joy. I confess that I might have reacted this way in how I appreciate certain interests. 

Compassion drives a desire to help people who are suffering in some way. Some would claim that compassion take sympathy/empathy up a notch, but I'm not yet convinced that this is so, perhaps because I've observed some who've perhaps only wanted to appear compassionate. But to be fair, compassion does seem to play a factor in avoiding the development of tribalism out of empathy. 

The overall point is that it's my take that anyone who seeks to help other people should be influenced by a combination of all three of these motives, and my life experiences have enabled me to do that when it comes to wanting to help the homeless..

History

I'm embarrassed to realize that I have no official history of how all this got started, so here's a brief summary:

A group of younger adults from Christian Assembly Church in Eagle Rock began feeding the homeless on a weekly basis some time around 2010. I was invited to join the group. At that time, dinner generally consisted of bags of salad combined with pre-made (and then sliced) fried chicken tenders, tossed with ranch dressing. I managed to persuade a few members of the group to try their hand at cooking, and we began bringing food cooked at home.  

Initially, I saw it as a challenge where I gave myself a limit of $20, and based in part of what others were bringing as well as based on what was on sale that week at the grocery, I would then figure out recipes to use the ingredients I had purchased and make dishes that would supplement. for a while, we were fortunate enough to get donated frozen pre-grilled chicken which I would thaw and use in various ways. but for the most part, food and supplies have been funded out of my own pocket or from the occasional casual donation. 

Things changed dramatically and a lot of people left the group in 2013 when something rather unexpected happened one night in March; I was attacked at the park by someone wielding a box cutter who managed to sever the anterior branch of my carotid. Fortunately I was only four blocks away from Huntington Hospital, and by keeping pressure on the wound, I was able to get into surgery about 12 minutes after I'd gotten stabbed. I was uninsured at the time, but fortunately the California victim fund intervened and resolved what would have been a $118k hospital bill. I was in ICU for the better part of a week, but was back at the park the following week, hoping to carry on business as usual (in reality, I slept about 14  hours a day for the next 3-4 months), but we as a group never talked about the incident. 

I spent some time dealing with the event and I've blogged a bit about it online (samstabbed.blogspot.com). The short version is that my perspective was that this was an act of a person who had been traumatized by a personal incident or series of incidents, was in pain and had displaced their anger and I happened to be the target. Being able to depersonalize the attack had a profound effect on my ability to avoid taking offense at a lot of things. 

I'm into food, know a bit about the restaurant industry, and I liken what I do to the concept of the restaurant staff meal where the low man on the totem pole has to make do with the ingredients he/she has, and create a meal to feed the staff. but there's more to staff meal than that, and many a cook has moved on when the staff meal has failed to provide a sense of community. When people come to dinner, they're welcome to sit, chat, not have to worry about being harassed by anyone else there or by the police (who know who I am and are generally supportive of what I do - even though I have no permit), etc. It's about creating a place where you can sit down and have a family-type meal. The food won't be fancy, but it's generally tasty and nutritious. I'll cut and paste part of a recent email to new volunteers who started bringing food to the park as well:

1) I would love to have more volunteers (post quarantine) come regularly and engage in normal meal conversations with those who stay and eat. I've come to see this as being very much like daily staff meal at a restaurant - the meal is a result of whatever ingredients are available - in my case, on sale at Super King supermarket. But it still should be tasty, nutritious, and be comforting enough that people engage in regular conversation at the table. When staff meal doesn't hit all the buttons, people quit and look for jobs at other restaurants.

2) There may come a day where we expand so that it's no longer practical, but I'd prefer to see relatively little pre-processed food. It's convenient, no doubt, but I believe they're made to be addictive, which is an additional burden I'd rather not expose people to. I get that time is a concern, and I'd like to keep a supply of items I can offer when we do run out of food, something like cheese/crackers or peanut butter/crackers.

3) I choose to keep the meals fairly humble (though one Hispanic told me my beans are as good as his grandmother's) - we had a source for frozen pre-grilled chicken that I'd thaw and slice to make a grilled chicken salad with a lime cilantro dressing, that rivaled what you might find at local restaurants, but that brought a crowd that included a local family who'd drive to the park, monopolize the picnic table. cut in line, eat and go home. I want to minister to the folks who really don't have any other recourse, and are grateful for what we serve.

There's a regular named Daniel with whom you may be familiar. Back in 2017 when I was spending a lot of time at the Pasadena public library, whenever he saw me, he'd run over to Ralph's buy a bag of beans and a bag of rice and give it to me at the library; he was perfectly happy eating beans and rice, and he was willing to donate as long as I prepared it.

When I joined, the meal typically consisted of bagged salad, chopped up pre-made fried chicken tenders and ranch dressing. I encouraged a number of the guys to start cooking and I provided some simple recipes. eventually I overheard someone say that the food got a lot better after that older Asian guy joined the group. that was nice to hear.

4) Everyone is welcome, but we set the rules. If people can not show common courtesy/respect for others, they may receive a meal, but they must leave and eat elsewhere. I also prefer that people come and get their meals themselves but I do occasionally allow for people to take two plates, one for themselves, one for someone else.

Folks who try to manipulate/game the system (mainly trying to get special treatment) are to be politely refused. Last week we had someone who saw an unopened case of water and wanted us to open that pack even though we had other bottles of water available. When he was told no, not until the other bottles were given away, he began trying to give the other bottles away to people who already had water. when I then put the water in my car. He pouted, said something about showing my true colors, and left his plate on the sidewalk and left.

We had a bully try and intimidate me into serving him and his wife. everyone else got worried he was going to attack me, but when he said he'd back, I told he'd be welcome, as long as he observed basic rules of courtesy. He never came back.

For the most part people are well behaved and pretty respectful, especially if they've heard how I'm still doing this despite nearly getting killed by a crazy lady in 2013.

5) Nutrition/health is a priority, which is why we offer only water in hot weather, no carbonated beverages.  We had one lady who was seriously diabetic request soft drinks, and one kind-hearted volunteer bought 4-5 bottles. After that person's initial response: "what, no juice??!!", that volunteer visibly deflated, and that same day that lady chugged a half bottle of salad dressing. 

To state it another way, my concern is enabling poor eating habits that lead or contribute to dis-health of any kind. That's not to say that we won't offer an occasional indulgence of some sort. but I've had people ask just for the dessert in the past, and that makes me concerned. Ditto when it comes to things like pizza and fried chicken - OK as an occasional indulgence, but to be avoided as a regular entree. I met one person who used to come to dinner regularly, and he told me that he'd gained 100 lbs after living on the street, and he attributed it to all the free pizza and fried chicken that was typically available. Most of the food available to the homeless are in the form of massive preprocessed carbs. Hence my emphasis on the kale salad which has become quite popular.

6) Everyone who shows up gets a meal. It's more difficult to be fair when food comes in finite/fixed portions, like a chicken drumstick, a sandwich, etc. Now people do understand that food is likely to be gone at 7:30pm when we start serving at 6:45, but the reality is that most people are not there when we start serving; they tend to wait to see if we're serving before they become visible. 

Later in the month, most folks who get G.R. (general relief) are tapped out and more people tend to show up compared to the 1st week. Some groups don't even offer food the first week of the month because the numbers tend to drop drastically, but we're committed to every week, though to be fair I often prepare less the first week of the month,

7) My meals are typically centered around salad, rice, and some dish that goes over the rice. Sometimes it's as simple as rice and beans, but various versions, Cuban/Spanish/Mexican style, or chili. The rationale is that rice & beans provide the essential amino acids the body can not produce. The salad has become a litmus test which gives me some insight into an individual's state of mind.

I used to make pork chili verde a lot since pork leg at $.99/lb is quite affordable. ditto with ham after the Christmas holidays/Easter, but a fair percentage of the homeless choose not to eat pork and will forego the dish and eat just rice. if I do make it nowadays I also make beans as a protein source for those who don't eat pork. 

Chicken is also affordable, but unless boneless, we have a problem with limited number servings. So chicken ends up being a flavoring agent and served de-boned.

Having said all this, if there's  something you'd want to contribute to replace/augment/complement what we're doing now, I'd love to hear about it.

In cooler weather, my 10 qt electric pressure cooker has been great for making a lot of chicken soups/ vegetable/noodle/pasta e fagoli, etc. probably not so practical during the summer months.

I am all for people being what God made them to be: if you're a baker and want to contribute dessert, that's great,  I am not a baker, though  I found a chocolate chip cookie recipe that uses garbanzo beans in place of the cookie dough and mixed in the chocolate chips. I served them once and no one noticed that I was giving them protein. that kind of thinking I love to see.

Basically, I want to serve stuff that's simple but homey: maybe a salad, bean soup and crusty bread that has the potential to reach people emotionally. beans and rice is a popular staple in Spanish speaking countries, I've looked at various ethnic recipes and tried to duplicates the flavors. I want to emulate an oasis; folks who show up know that they won't be hassled by other homeless people, by cops (who know who I am and what I'm doing). A few homeless have told me that it's as much about having a conversation with a real person since a lot of the homeless have their issues.

With the appropriate funding, my long term goals include expanding to address needs as we discover them through our interactions with people who come to dinner; we currently serve meals on Tuesday nights because no one else in the Pasadena area serves food on Tuesdays so at present we really don't see a need to expand to serving food on other days as much as looking into hygiene/sanitation options; for example, most public restrooms close by 8pm (and ever earlier due to quarantine/curfew impositions). and right now, with the libraries closed, people have nowhere to recharge their phones.  staying clean and having clean clothes to wear is an issue. the short term goal is to form strategic partnerships with existing organizations such as shower of hope which offers free showers at two locations in the Pasadena area on Wednesdays 

Actually, one of my passions is social dance: ballroom, salsa, swing, tango, etc. I've danced competitively as well as in a few films and TV shows. I'd love to get a group of people right after they've showered and offer a dance lesson as a means of fostering community, socialization skills, etc. I had once contemplated getting a PhD in marriage  family therapy specializing in using partnered dance as a means of exploring & communicating relationship concepts. Working out why a dance move doesn't move might be conflict resolution at its finest.

So for now, we turn no one away that wants a meal, and we try to identify those who want and need the kind of help we can offer, and the first step is providing a sense of community so that they don't feel like they're all alone. Hopefully, my example will be meaningful for those who are bound by fear (and to a large degree, self-sabotage) and show them that it's possible to make better choices that will turn out well.

Gustavo Perez endures the pandemic and turns eight today.

I have posted something similar in my blog The Secret Asian Man Gets Stabbed (https://samstabbed.blogspot.com/)  which I mention for those unfamiliar with the story, Today is the eighth anniversary of my getting stabbed in the neck while feeding the homeless. This last year, a few rumors about some sort of virus were starting to make the news. No idea that I'd be looking for a new place to stay eight weeks later, as both of my classical musician roommates saw all their gigs get cancelled for at least five months, and instead of incurring months of back rent they'd never be able to pay back, elected to give notice at the beginning of April.

As inconvenienced as most of us have become, the pandemic had an even greater impact on those who live outside. Many food programs elected to suspend operations. But the harshest thing to deal with was probably the closing of the public libraries; not only did they provide a respite from inclement weather, they were a source of internet bandwidth, restroom access and perhaps most significantly, electricity to recharge any and all electric appliances, without which they would be cut off completely from the rest of the world. And of course, if people were already inclined to avoid you on the street, they become even more motivated to do so now in lockdown mode.

It's been almost a year now. It's become the new normal. That frightens me more than anything else.

Stories: Part Two

After Jay's death, Ono was devastated; she had no idea what had happened to Jay, and she assumed that he'd abandoned her deliberately. Even though it hadn't been intentional, Ono went into a tailspin and began to drink heavily (vodka was her drink of choice) and usually could be found at the park sitting outside the restrooms on the southern side of the park. While we typically only gave out food to people who lined up at the picnic tables in the NE corner of the park, we tried to make sure someone took a plate down to her and either give it to her or just leave it for her if she'd passed out. She eventually disappeared and we heard that she'd passed away, I imagine due to cirrhosis of the liver, based on how much she was drinking every day, usually at least a bottle of vodka or so.

Then there was Francisco. He was a Hispanic gentleman and could have been anywhere from his 40's into the 60's. His English was difficult to understand because he had a speech impediment. Anyone able to get past that impediment would have been as amazed as I was to discover that he routinely attended free lectures on various subjects given on the USC campus and was actually pretty intelligent and quite competent. He would often stay late after most everyone else had left, and I had a lot of interesting conversations with him. He somehow contracted the Nile virus and was hospitalized for a number of weeks; apparently he was in the very small percentage of those infected who suffered severe symptoms. He was eventually discharged, and he passed on with a few months, presumably from complications associated with the Nile virus. 

Fernando was someone who died living outside as a consequence of his hoarding books. He had two storage units full of books he'd accumulated over the years but never read. He was offered section eight housing, but he turned it down when he discovered he'd have to give up his books.

Stories: Part One

 As I start this, I have no title, because I'm not sure where this is going to go. But I do have a starting point. A few weeks ago while serving dinner in the park, someone mentioned that they'd heard that someone who'd lived outside for quite a while had passed away recently. He's of the first people I connected with when I first started making dinner for the homeless. His street name was 'Rabbit', prompted by the way he streaked around on his bicycle. The first time I met him, he was in line getting dinner, and he asked me if I'd get him a 12 step bible. It seemed like a good request to which I should respond, so I did. I was pretty sure he didn't have it anymore when the week after I gave it to him. That was my first experience dealing with an identified addict (more on that later, either in this post or at some later date). That was about ten (10) years ago. 

I discovered that his given name was Steven, and that's how I chose to greet him. He told me only two people called him Steven: I and his mother. He knew I was interested in hearing his story, and I gleaned bits and pieces of it over the years. Rabbit would show up for dinner for while, promise me he'd tell me more about himself, then he'd disappear for months. He admitted to being addicted to meth, but that didn't define him; he had a reputation for wanting to help people. At the same time, he was in bondage to that dependency; when addicts need their fix, they stop being the people you know as they do whatever it takes to get that fix. They're generally genuinely remorseful for what it was they did, and it was typically something unsavory. I guess the point I'm trying to get to is that if their behavior affects/harms you in some way, it's best to depersonalize it as best as you can. You might as well get angry at a dog marking a fire hydrant - it's what a dog does and in the same way, doing what it takes to get their fix is what addicts do.  Sometimes he showed up for dinner with seriously glazed eyes, which led me to suspect that he was high on something, but he was always polite. He was also a lot more sensitive than I first realized; I'm capable of a bit of snark, and he was genuinely hurt once when I made light of something that was important to him. After that incident, I made it a point to be more careful in my actions and behavior around him. 

He showed up last year after another prolonged absence. He'd dropped some 20-30 lbs after an extended stay in the hospital where he ended up after being found on the street in a diabetic coma.  At that time, I discovered that he was 53. I'm pretty sure he told me that he'd been living outside since high school, so that would have been about 35 years. 

Someone told me what they thought his last name was, so I've searching online looking for some sort of death/obituary notice to confirm the rumor, but no luck.  Until then I refuse to categorize this as a memorial.

However, the fact that I may never hear his story prompts to recall others I've met over the years who've passed on, more or less forgotten.

The first person I'll mention is Jay. He passed away the summer I got stabbed. He was a former military pilot, had a small aviation firm in the valley. but ended up living outside because he had a problem with alcohol. He was usually in the company of a Korean woman named Ono. She spoke little to no English, and I understood that she'd born and raised in Japan. She was typically always smiling and always carried a pair of drumsticks with her. I never found out the reason why. It turned out that they both had problems with alcohol. Jay is memorable to me because of something he did the summer after I got stabbed. Back then, we typically had some sort of devotional time reading a passage out of the Scriptures after the meal was served, and some folks would stay for that. The person who had the responsibility for the topic/subject that week (bless her heart) elected to go kinda secular and brought up the concept of love languages, the main thrust being that people had preferences in how they showed affections and in how they preferred to receive affection. I was verbally prodded to acknowledge that I typically showed love through spending time with people and through physical contact. Afterwards, I was engaged in conversation with some people while sitting at one of the picnic tables, and a crusty army vet nicknamed "Murph" (short for his last name of Murphy - I never knew his first name. Used to sleep in a van illegally parked for three years in an industrial section of Pasadena - and had a number of unpaid parking tickets to document this - before his military benefits came through and he got military housing somewhere in the valley) asked me something to the effect wasn't I still afraid if I was going to get attacked again. Before I could answer, Jay unexpectedly came up behind me and wrapped me up in a huge bear hug. And I said to Murph: "Well, if I was, THAT should have freaked me out!".

There are two main reasons why this stands out in my memories. First, I wasn't sure if I was in denial about any potential aftermath due to how I was attacked. Clearly, I really wasn't afraid that anything like that would happen again. But more importantly, I knew Jay was trying to express his affection & appreciation for me and my choice to continue serving dinner in the park after my attack, and it strengthened my resolve to continue.

Jay died of a heart attack less than a week later.

Video Documentary - ready to view

 Hummingbird Global Media is doing a series on people and their ministries. They saw fit to include what we're doing and here's the final version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN5JSq3gRGU

I'm not sure why they put that 2 minute intro in front. i've skipped head to the 2:00 mark - but then the video seems to have skipped a few times if you do that. I promise that there are no subliminal messages going on - or if there are, they're benign like:

"go to church...."
"tithe! tithe!" 

Update: 09/2020

Last month I persuaded a couple of regulars to apply for work at Fedex where I started working recently. I don't know how much of  difference it made, but I passed their names on to HR through my managers. They both got hired and started orientation last week. As great as that news is, I consider it an even greater achievement that another one of the regulars offered to give them rides so they wouldn't miss their orientation meetings; we've started to build community where people are genuinely concerned about each other's success. I consider this to be a significant milestone.

Rob

"Rob" is the pseudonym i've assigned to a former regular on Tuesday nights. I've posted about him before. I may not have said this explicitly before, but Rob is one of the main reasons I kept on doing this after I got stabbed. For the next 3-4 months, he assigned himself as my bodyguard at the park and was never more than 5-6 feet away, and even when we spoke, his eyes were always constantly scanning the space behind me. He'd originally returned to LA earlier this year with a goal of showing up on Tuesday nights and driving for Uber. But he took a job back on the road driving a truck since the quarantine hit - he just couldn't get enough work to cover expenses.

I got a call from him earlier this evening and he told me he'd be in town next week, but that he couldn't see me. It turns out that recently his company told him to take over a run for a driver that got sick and needed to be hospitalized. They tested that driver and he came up negative for the coronavirus, so Rob took the driver's cab and finished the delivery. The other driver has since tested positive, and Rob is showing certain symptoms consistent with the coronavirus as well.

Rob is going to get tested on Monday, and to be safe, he's exercising as much discretion as possible in terms of minimizing contact with others.

With my father passing away less than two weeks ago from this, this resonates at a deeper level than it might otherwise. But Rob remains hopeful; he's accepted a new route that would allow him to be in town every week, though not necessarily on Tuesdays. I'm hoping we'll be able to see him back with us from time to time in the future.

Video documentary

Last week i started filming of a video documentary where what we do on Tuesday will be included in a series documenting various ministries. Hopefully this exposure will lead to drawing more volunteers as well as funding.

We filmed a little of me cooking as well as answering some questions. This week we'll do some surreptitious filming of dinner at the park.

I've been pretty open about a lot of stuff in what's been recorded so far, Hopefully it will come out to its best advantage, but I retain full control over what material is in the video. More on this as it develops.

This could be huge.

Jambayala

I made my claypot chicken rice last week and included chinese sausage. Everyone enjoyed it except one person who doesn't eat pork - and there was pork in the chinese sausage. I decided to try a different dish with rice cooked in a mix of cooked chicken and sausage and came up with my take on a quick and easy jambalaya.

What make it relatively quick and easy meal to make for 30+ people was using a food processor,  a 10 quart pressure cooker and and 32 cup rice cooker. I combined all the ingredients except the rice in the pressure cooker and cooked it though before adding it to the rice in the rice cooker.

12 cups long grain rice

6 chicken thighs (about 4-5 lbs), skin included

2 lbs. Louisiana style sausage

6 roma tomatoes

2 large yellow onions

6 anaheim peppers

6 jalapeno peppers

1 bunch of celery

1 oz paprika

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon oregano

You need to have celery/onion/peppers as part of your flavor base. Cajun spices typically include paprika, oregano, garlic, red pepper, among other spices.

Run vegetables through a food processor and pulse to a fine dice. Slice sausage into bite sized pieces.
Place all non-rice ingredients in your pressure cooker, seal cooker and cook about 15 minutes.

Remove chicken thighs and debone & chop meat into bitesize pieces. Return meat and bones to mixture.

You will have a great deal of liquid in the mixture. You want a ratio of about 2 parts liquid to 1 part rice. With 12 cups of rice, that'll be about 24 cups of liquid. Add water as needed to approximate 24 cups of liquid in the mixture and transfer mixture to rice cooker. Add rice, stir thoroughly, and start rice cooker.

That's pretty much it.

Sad eyes

In a couple of days, I'll be moving out. Due to the quarantine, my roommates, who are both freelance musicians, had all of their booked gigs cancelled/postponed pretty much through the end of the year. Rather than accrue months of unpaid rent, they elected to give notice and move in with friends/family who can take them in. I had no choice but to give notice as well, and with no job and limited funds, it looks like I'll be prevailing on friends until I can start back to work or find a new job. Fortunately, I've been offered space to store my belongings during this sojourn. Still, I've gone through my stuff and have elected to leave some stuff behind, most of it knick knacks and souvenirs accumulated over the years.

Despite this (or perhaps more so because of it) I remain committed to getting a meal to Central Park every Tuesday since there's no one else serving a meal in the area (shout out to former roommate "D" who's offered to let me cook at his place - on his front porch - social distancing, you know).  Apparently some folks travel out to Hollywood for a meal during the week because it's the only one they know of on that day of the week.

This week, I showed up at the park, got set up and starting serving meals. Most of the people now are regulars, but we're starting to get some new faces. One such person came after I'd served all the regulars. She said something to the effect that because of how we were helping, we were going to be blessed by God. We stuck up a conversation, and suddenly she asked how I was doing. I said I was OK, and she immediately replied: "You have sad eyes." 

I was caught off guard. As I reflect on this, I can see that I've been attempting to motor my way through - I've slept in my car before - and I'm prepared to do it again, but clearly this has and will continue to affect me emotionally. I can't be in denial about this. But another part of me is responding to something I'm not sure I can articulate fully at this point. Having people comment on my emotional state in a caring way, is not part of my normal experience as I tend to keep people at arm's length.  And having experienced it in the context of helping others adds a few more shades of gray I'm trying to differentiate. They say that caring is something you do where you and others both grow in the process. I guess this is how it's going to be for me.

Recipe: The BK version of chicken claypot rice

Tonight's meal was very well received; I adapted a recipe for one of my favorite dishes: chinese claypot rice with mushrooms and bok choy.

Recipes vary: some call for the rice to be cooked and ingredients added later. I decided to go with combining all the ingredients allowing the flavors to meld and infuse the rice.  I also deviated a bit with the inclusion of miso; I saw it included in a recipe from the now defunct luckypeach website.

The ingredients are as follows: (NOTE: i eyeball everything, proportions are relative.)

8 cup rice

4 lbs boneless dark chicken meat (but you can use regular chicken thighs)

(optional) 4-6 chinese sausages, sliced diagonally into bite sized pieces

4 oz dried slivered shiitake mushrooms (available at most asian supermarkets - you can whole dried mushrooms, but this saves prep time, and pre-cut mushrooms are much more affordable. You can substitute any other type of mushroom, but shiitakes have a unique taste and texture. Some places sell fresh shiitakes, but shiitakes are unique in how well they retain their flavor when dried.)

oyster sauce - sorry but this is essential it comes in bottles that are the same shape as glass ketchup bottles, available at any chinese supermarket.

miso (i typically have brown miso in the fridge, along with another container with half miso, half butter that i sometimes use in place of butter. it's really good.)

rice wine- you can substitute cooking sherry, i suppose.

garlic -about 4 cloves minced, to taste

a large white onion, diced

bok choy, about 2 lbs. that seems like a lot, but it's not.

corn starch - about 1/4 cup

sesame oil


Some of what I do is optional, but I believe each of these steps contributes to the flavor.

- If you have dried mushrooms, soak them in warm water for about a half hour. Drain the mushrooms, but retain all the soaking liquid - there's flavor there that should not be wasted.

- Put about half the dry rice in the rice pot, enough to cover the bottom. This allows a crust to form on the bottom as the rice cooks. Purists will object to my not washing the rice. I can live with that.

- Sear the chicken. Usually the fat on the chicken is sufficient, but add oil as needed. The browning adds flavor, but more importantly, it works like the technique of japanese tataki in that searing the outside firms it up and makes it easier to cut into bite size pieces compared to cutting raw boneless chicken. If you elect to use whole chicken thighs, you can leave them whole (one thigh per serving) or use kitchen shears to cut off bite size pieces, and place the chicken and bones to the rice pot. If you just put raw sliced chicken in the pot, it will still be good, just not completely fantastic.

Add oyster sauce & miso (about 1/4 cup each) a splash of rice wine and 4 minced garlic cloves, salt & sugar to taste. Some folks like to add sesame oil here, I find that the fragrance cooks off and prefer to add it later.

- (optional) - if there's a fair amount of fat left in the pan, add the remaining (dry) rice to it and stir over medium heat. The rice should change color slightly reflecting the absorbing of the fat as well as a little bit of browning of the rice. A small detail, but I think you can taste the difference. Either way, add the remaining rice to the pot. This should effectively bury the other ingredients

- (optional) - sauteing the diced onion in the pan used to sear the chicken - especially if you haven't browned the rice, this effectively deglazes the pan, loosening the browned bits which you then add to the pot. Otherwise, simply add the onion to the pot.

-Wash/clean the bok choy and cut into 2" lengths, stalks and leaves. Place on top of the other ingredients.

- I normally use a ratio of 3:2 liquid to rice. For this recipe I account for the amount of moisture in the bok choy and add 8 cups of water to the pot. If you have the soaking liquid from the shiitakes, include this. You may need to adjust this depending on your ingredients and your cooking pot.

- Use the "white rice setting" (if there is one), and start the rice cooker.

- If you haven't done anything with the pot since you seared the chicken, here's your last chance to take advantage of this flavor source (and also if you forgot to use the soaking liquid from the mushrooms) - place about 4 cups cool water/soaking liquid into the pan, along with 1/4 cup of cornstarch and a tablespoon of soy sauce (mainly for color). Dissolve the corn starch thoroughly (no lumps), then bring to a simmer over medium heat, stirring and loosening anything left stuck to the pan. Add the gravy (& sesame oil to taste) to the rice pot after the rice has finished cooking, stir thoroughly, Let sit for a few minutes, then enjoy.

Handicaps

We provide meals as a means of coming alongside people who need and want help. We sit and talk and hopefully we get an idea of what kinds of hopes and goals they have and encourage them and give suggestions on how to pursue some of those goals.

We've got a regular who is so unique using a pseudonym would be pointless; you'll recognize him the first time you see him. He's got palsy and is confined to a motorized wheelchair.  We allow him to sit next to the serving table and he usually gets served first. The palsy also causes a speech impediment that makes him difficult to understand. We're about the same age so I was stunned when he approached me a few years back and told me that he'd started going to church and had been given a Bible. The thing was, he didn't know how to read. Apparently his family assumed that his speech impediment was associated with being mentally handicapped so he was never properly schooled. I looked into getting him into a volunteer reading problem. The results of that effort will be the subject of a long rant some day. I've tried to help with other things over the years.

There have been nights when he's waited for everyone else to leave so he can ask me questions. . One that stuck up in my mind was how to find a way to volunteer at his church as a greeter or some other way. That led to a discussion that helped me understand how a lot (not necessarily all) about how disabled/handicapped people perceive a fine line between helping and... babying, for want of a better way of putting it. There's no malice in it, but I began to see how annoying it can be over time. I hope I'm explaining this well.

The bottom line is that while i still accommodate some of his physical limitations I sometimes include a bit of tough love. If he asks for seconds, I might just look at him and tell him that he's got a perfectly good motorized wheelchair that works, and he can get them himself. You should the looks on the faces of people who overhear that and can't believe it. Then they see us both laughing - and he's laughing harder than I am.

I guess that the overall point is this: people with disabilities do need to have the disabilities accommodated to some degree, but they still want to be seen as people just like anyone else. How that looks is going to vary from person to person though.

Strider

i'm hesitant to share this story because I want to respect this person's privacy, If I provide sufficient detail, you'll understand why. Anyway, the subject of this story has been coming to dinner for a number of months now. After a series of talks, he confided his real name and through Google I've confirmed who he is (by photographs) and that he was once, among other things, national press secretary for a member of the Cabinet (in the White House).

We've met to help me continue to develop a vision/mission state that I can implement into fund proposals and frankly, seeing him listen to me voicing thoughts off the top of my head and turn them into phrases such as:

creating an."environment in which people feel comfortable/safe to explore options without ridicule and within the parameter of mutual respect among its members (among a wide range of world/cultural viewpoints)"

"The organization will not act as an enabling body. Participants must demonstrate a strong willingness to effect positive change. The organization's output is a function of the participants' input. An underlying vision of the organization is to help participants realize their value and self-worth through a model of rewards and "exponential returns" to match and surpass participants efforts. Throughout the "process" it is the hope and goal of the organization to teach about the symbiotic benefits of host and organism (community?).  Ultimately, through this organic process, new levels and achievements will be reached and realized with while teaching the inextricable-intertwined nature and virtues of "getting more" from "giving more." 
"Organization strives to make funding and investment decisions that have immediate impacts while also paving the road to self-sustained living (participants not dependent upon a "hand-out" or organization's monetary distributions."


has got me feeling pretty excited. In particular, I'm hoping to see these goals realized in how we work together. As he continues to help me find my voice, perhaps this will galvanize him to re-find himself.

He currently fixes bicycles and calls himself 'rider'. But I've told him that I'm going to start calling him Strider, a reference from Tolkien: "All who wander are not lost."

Kale Salad

Given that B/K (i've got to find a less self aggrandizing name) is largely self-funded, it's a challenge to prepare inexpensive, healthy things that appeal to the folks who show up. Over time, I've come up with a simple, tasty salad that everyone loves.

KALE SALAD

Two (2) bunches of kale (fortunately, I have a source where I can get 2 bunches for a dollar)
Four (4) tomatoes (any type will do)
Four (4) Persian cucumbers (the large ones are often cheaper, but the texture is not the same)
Two (2) apples (anything except Red Delicious - the crunchier, the better)
One (1) medium size red onion

Vinaigrette:

I never measure precisely, but the general rule is one (1) part acid to three (3) oil. For folks who are more comfortable measuring:

1/4 cup vinegar (I typically use red wine vinegar, but I sometimes splurge and use organic apple cider vinegar for health benefits)

3/4 cup olive oil

The spices I add vary, but typically include:
Basil (1/2 tsp)
Oregano (1/2 tsp)
Powered Garlic (A couple of shakes)
Salt (1/2 tsp)

If ham is being served, I typically add a tablespoon of mustard - I find it a better complement.

Combine ingredients in a sealed container and shake until blended.

Optional: Pour half around the edge of the salad bowl so that it coats the inside of the bowl (This is a Thomas Keller technique I learned that helps guarantee an even distribution of vinaigrette over the salad.)
--------------------------------
Wash and rinse produce as needed.

I personally hand tear/shred the kale into roughly 1-1.5"pieces. Using a knife to cut and dice would be quicker, but this way I can identify the really tough midribs and tear around them.

Place the kale in the salad bowl.

Prepare remaining produce for dicing (Peel red onion, core the apples if you have a corer, I have no proof you should, but I like to trim the ends off the cucumbers, etc.)

Dice the remaining produce (1/2-3/4" dice, cucumbers can just be sliced) and add to the bowl.

Add remaining vinaigrette to bowl and toss. The kale holds up well to the vinaigrette, so timing is not critical. Leftover salad refrigerates reasonably well.