The following is essentially a repost of an entry I made on my other blog called "The Secret Asian Man Gets Stabbed", which I started after I was attacked in the park after serving dinner back in 2013.
------------------------------------
There's happy and sad in this entry.
I've mentioned in previous posts that one of the former Tuesday night regulars has gotten back on his feet and is currently working as a truck driver transporting goods all over the US. We hook up when he's in town. He hasn't minded my sharing things we've talked about which I have done, but he has requested that he not be identified by name. I will refer to him as Rob going forward.
When Rob was still here in town, he developed a friendship with another homeless person (whom I will call John) which led to their sharing the same campsite and becoming frequent companions during the day. I thought it a somewhat odd pairing at the time, but I've since discovered that they've shared the same trauma of having been molested as a child and having spent most of their childhoods in foster care. I suspect that the shared trauma was a factor in Rob inviting John to join him on the road riding in his cab earlier this summer. My understanding is that John was essentially a passenger the entire time, dependent on Rob for meal money, etc. This and other things led Rob to tell John that he had to come back to Pasadena, and Rob dropped off John in S. Ca, gave him some bus money, and Rob went back on the road.
John never showed up for dinner on Tuesdays, prompting a bit of concern on both my part and Rob's part.
Rob came back into town (back in October) and we spent some time together. It turns out that Rob had been offered a chance to take a job in Las Vegas where he'd still be driving a truck, but he'd be based locally and have a place to call home. More importantly, it would give him a chance to explore opportunities to help the homeless himself, which apparently has become his long term goal - he also now considers me a mentor - which definitely blows me away - so he wanted to go over the pro's and con's of the situation with me.
We also took some time to check out Rob's & John's old campsite (there's another story just about this that's waiting to come out) to try and determine if John was there. We found evidence of John having made it back to the campsite, but the place had been ransacked (another possible entry about that) and looked like it had been unoccupied for weeks.
Rob did a online search the next morning and found out that John had been arrested on a felony charge back in August and currently being held in lieu of $130,000 bail. He was arraigned Nov. 1st.
And there are the stories of two homeless people, both having experiencing the trauma of being molested as a child.
I admit that I am woefully ignorant of how molestation can affect one's life, but I do know that it's common for those who were molested as a child to become molesters themselves. This was John's choice, and as a convicted sex offender, homelessness was obviously the easiest option - even if he found gainful employment (the only job John ever had was delivering the LA Times), he would have had a difficult if not impossible time finding housing as a registered sex offender. And now it looks like he's going to spend the rest of his life in prison.
Rob, on the other hand, while contemplating marriage to someone with two little girls, had already confessed to me a fear that he would do the same and knew that he needed to get help to ensure that that didn't happen. And now his long time goal is to help the homeless in some way.
At the time I first posted this, I was motivated but not sure why. Part of it was to mourn the choices of someone who clearly had some bad things happen to him that were beyond his control, and he was unable to get past that. Yet, there's also the story to celebrate of someone of who clearly had some bad things happen to him that were beyond his control who is fighting the good fight to not let what happened in his past define him and his future. There was resonance with both stories here. I've made some poor choices, which I can't undo, but nothing that limits my fundamental freedom to dream about goals I may not be able to reach but am still free for which to aspire.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Monday, November 21, 2016
It Is What It Is
This is a response to the last entry which focuses on the instances when it's necessary to deal with negative past experiences to help one get past certain fears. It occurred to me that some might get the idea that that's all there is. The reality is that factors that might hold one back from doing what they are meant to do can fall into the "It Is What It Is" category.
I use that phrase a lot to describe situations that may not seem quite optimal, but there really is no one to blame or indict. There's no malice involved. It just is what it is.
Part of my personal struggle is in large part influenced by the conflict of world views I deal with on a daily basis.
I live in a western culture that emphasizes the rights of the individual, but I am the son of immigrant parents who come from a culture that emphasizes a holistic/community based world view. Some of the values of these world views are mutually exclusive, yet at any given moment, one set of values *must*prevail, even if it's only for an instant. For me, there's a constant tug of war going on 24/7. I will assume that the vast majority of readers will come from a western culture, so I will try to give examples of how these world views conflict.
My ethnic culture happens to be Chinese. Everyday language reinforces the idea that you are part of something bigger than yourself. It starts when you greet someone - the greeting you use is determined by your relationship with the other person. If it's family, there's a specific term for each possible relationship, no generic aunt/uncle/grandparent terms, the phrase you use identifies mother's/father's side of the family and the case of aunts and uncles, whether they're older or younger than your parent. even basic greetings such as mr/miss/mrs indicate whether the person is older or younger than you are. The result is that as soon as you meet someone else, your first thought is use the appropriate greeting - you are part of something bigger than yourself, and you are always aware of your relationship to others within that grouping. At a formal family style meal where the food is in the center of the table, you never place food on your own plate - everyone else at the table serves you, while you serve everyone else. This reflects how the community takes care of all its members.
The difference in dynamics can be seen in how consensus is reached in a group. Folks who have a community world view are more likely to acquiesce to what they perceive to be the best choice for the group. That doesn't necessarily mean that they're content with the choice; it's just as likely that the majority are dissatisfied with the choice, but have been manipulated by a dominant individual who wants their own way but has managed to frame the alternative as best for the group.
Current relationships are key in establishing new relationships; you rely on introductions from mutual acquaintances, which often come at a cost achieved by bartering various sorts of gifts and favors. This particular aspect of the community world view is something I personally have had to address as I am currently working in a sales position where I went into the situation expecting warm leads, but ciircumstances changed, and I've been forced to develop my own leads via cold calling. This is not yet a strength of mine, and as it turns out, all of my clients are friends or friends of friends; my natural inclination is to rely of existing relationships to develop new relationships. This is something I will continue to deal with as I begin soliciting donations in earnest.
The point is that part of my "fear" with cold calling is also a product of my cultural conditioning that needs to be examined as much as the fear of rejection. But that part of it is what it is.
I use that phrase a lot to describe situations that may not seem quite optimal, but there really is no one to blame or indict. There's no malice involved. It just is what it is.
Part of my personal struggle is in large part influenced by the conflict of world views I deal with on a daily basis.
I live in a western culture that emphasizes the rights of the individual, but I am the son of immigrant parents who come from a culture that emphasizes a holistic/community based world view. Some of the values of these world views are mutually exclusive, yet at any given moment, one set of values *must*prevail, even if it's only for an instant. For me, there's a constant tug of war going on 24/7. I will assume that the vast majority of readers will come from a western culture, so I will try to give examples of how these world views conflict.
My ethnic culture happens to be Chinese. Everyday language reinforces the idea that you are part of something bigger than yourself. It starts when you greet someone - the greeting you use is determined by your relationship with the other person. If it's family, there's a specific term for each possible relationship, no generic aunt/uncle/grandparent terms, the phrase you use identifies mother's/father's side of the family and the case of aunts and uncles, whether they're older or younger than your parent. even basic greetings such as mr/miss/mrs indicate whether the person is older or younger than you are. The result is that as soon as you meet someone else, your first thought is use the appropriate greeting - you are part of something bigger than yourself, and you are always aware of your relationship to others within that grouping. At a formal family style meal where the food is in the center of the table, you never place food on your own plate - everyone else at the table serves you, while you serve everyone else. This reflects how the community takes care of all its members.
The difference in dynamics can be seen in how consensus is reached in a group. Folks who have a community world view are more likely to acquiesce to what they perceive to be the best choice for the group. That doesn't necessarily mean that they're content with the choice; it's just as likely that the majority are dissatisfied with the choice, but have been manipulated by a dominant individual who wants their own way but has managed to frame the alternative as best for the group.
Current relationships are key in establishing new relationships; you rely on introductions from mutual acquaintances, which often come at a cost achieved by bartering various sorts of gifts and favors. This particular aspect of the community world view is something I personally have had to address as I am currently working in a sales position where I went into the situation expecting warm leads, but ciircumstances changed, and I've been forced to develop my own leads via cold calling. This is not yet a strength of mine, and as it turns out, all of my clients are friends or friends of friends; my natural inclination is to rely of existing relationships to develop new relationships. This is something I will continue to deal with as I begin soliciting donations in earnest.
The point is that part of my "fear" with cold calling is also a product of my cultural conditioning that needs to be examined as much as the fear of rejection. But that part of it is what it is.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
More Than Just a Cleaning
I used the metaphor of going to the dentist a few entries back to illustrate the process of conquering some of my identified fears. I've mentioned before that one fear is about not being able to make a difference. That makes me hesitant to post, as I cope with the fear that being transparent with my struggles will only result only in futility, or worse, ridicule.
I get that most of us live on cruise control, especially with how busy our schedules get; we really don't give much thought to why we do what we do. Many, especially if they enjoy a certain level of affluence, will be less inclined to rock the boat. Still, I suspect that most of us deep down will concede that we do things we would rather not do, yet we don't do anything to change that.
It's like being a person, after being told by a dentist that some unpleasant procedure needs to be done, saying "I would have been fine if I'd never come to see you"; no, the problem would have still existed. Moreover, the specific condition could have gotten worse.
Many of us would be so much better off if we dealt with some of the things in our past that hold us back.
I get that most of us live on cruise control, especially with how busy our schedules get; we really don't give much thought to why we do what we do. Many, especially if they enjoy a certain level of affluence, will be less inclined to rock the boat. Still, I suspect that most of us deep down will concede that we do things we would rather not do, yet we don't do anything to change that.
It's like being a person, after being told by a dentist that some unpleasant procedure needs to be done, saying "I would have been fine if I'd never come to see you"; no, the problem would have still existed. Moreover, the specific condition could have gotten worse.
Many of us would be so much better off if we dealt with some of the things in our past that hold us back.
Goodwill: If You Can't Say Something Nice, Say Thank You.
My friend Barbara Morrison offered her 501(c)3 to serve as a fiscal sponsor while we get through the final stages of getting Barry's Kitchen up and running as a 501(c)3 of our own. This allowed Barry's Kitchen to accept our first tax deductible donation last week.
The experience prompted me to perform a much needed re-evaluation of my expectations when it comes to getting donations. Look at how Goodwill works: while they do list a number of things they will not accept, they offer tax free donations on what they will allow you to drop off, and a large percentage of what comes in through their doors never sees the inside of the store. The point is that some folks give things of value out of a sense of altruism, while others are motivated entirely by the write-off and will in a lot of instances be donating things that have little value to them, and even less value to the recipient. But to be critical of that risks getting no donations at all.
So the lesson learned last week: If you can't say something nice, say "thank you".
The experience prompted me to perform a much needed re-evaluation of my expectations when it comes to getting donations. Look at how Goodwill works: while they do list a number of things they will not accept, they offer tax free donations on what they will allow you to drop off, and a large percentage of what comes in through their doors never sees the inside of the store. The point is that some folks give things of value out of a sense of altruism, while others are motivated entirely by the write-off and will in a lot of instances be donating things that have little value to them, and even less value to the recipient. But to be critical of that risks getting no donations at all.
So the lesson learned last week: If you can't say something nice, say "thank you".
Politics
I've allowed myself to be afraid to assert my (fairly conservative) world view when it's been attacked on social media. I thought it was bad *before* the election...
Fear is a result of many different factors. There's fear of the unknown. There's fear of duplicating/re-living unpleasant experiences. In some of those cases, the expectation needs to be examined and reevaluated; and we discover that we were conditioned to expect the same kind of response but the expectation wasn't a valid one. In other cases, the expectation is appropriate. For example, it's realistic to expect to be attacked for expressing/defending a conservative world view. I've responded to/refuted liberal views posted on Facebook and been de-friended as a result. That's relatively mild compared to the sentiments often expressed if politics becomes a topic of real conversation face to face.
The point is not to indict that behavior but rather to examine the expectations I've developed and how that affects my responses to it. And these are some of the expectations I've developed:
1) Liberals are driven solely by ideology and can not be reasoned with, so don't bother trying;
2) I will be attacked if I try to assert a differing point of view;
3) If I manage to refute their point of view, they will respond by ostracizing me;
The thing is, should I re-examine those expectations and find them to be valid going forward, I can still choose how to respond when a certain expectation is met.
1) My goal is to facilitate a discussion, not to win an argument. While I have no control over how the other person(s) will react, I have control of my behavior. My goal now is to listen, and to make them feel heard. I do not have to have the same expectation of them. The goal is to hear and understand their view not to agree with it;
2) If I am attacked, I can set boundaries on how other behave and withdraw gracefully if needed; I'm willing to have a discussion, but it is NOT OK to bludgeon me verbally;
3) If someone chooses to withdraw from me because of my choices, that is OK. Their choice does not reflect on me.
Fear is a result of many different factors. There's fear of the unknown. There's fear of duplicating/re-living unpleasant experiences. In some of those cases, the expectation needs to be examined and reevaluated; and we discover that we were conditioned to expect the same kind of response but the expectation wasn't a valid one. In other cases, the expectation is appropriate. For example, it's realistic to expect to be attacked for expressing/defending a conservative world view. I've responded to/refuted liberal views posted on Facebook and been de-friended as a result. That's relatively mild compared to the sentiments often expressed if politics becomes a topic of real conversation face to face.
The point is not to indict that behavior but rather to examine the expectations I've developed and how that affects my responses to it. And these are some of the expectations I've developed:
1) Liberals are driven solely by ideology and can not be reasoned with, so don't bother trying;
2) I will be attacked if I try to assert a differing point of view;
3) If I manage to refute their point of view, they will respond by ostracizing me;
The thing is, should I re-examine those expectations and find them to be valid going forward, I can still choose how to respond when a certain expectation is met.
1) My goal is to facilitate a discussion, not to win an argument. While I have no control over how the other person(s) will react, I have control of my behavior. My goal now is to listen, and to make them feel heard. I do not have to have the same expectation of them. The goal is to hear and understand their view not to agree with it;
2) If I am attacked, I can set boundaries on how other behave and withdraw gracefully if needed; I'm willing to have a discussion, but it is NOT OK to bludgeon me verbally;
3) If someone chooses to withdraw from me because of my choices, that is OK. Their choice does not reflect on me.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Going to the dentist
It's been a hard week. Part of it is tied to my previous post; I'm aware of destructive thought patterns and I'm trying to figure where they come from, which is essentially trying to identify my blind spots visually. The absurdity amuses me briefly.
My first fund raiser is tomorrow. My friend Barbara Morrison has offered to do a series of concerts to help me raise money. Jack Maeby, who runs the band Little Faith, has offered to do something similar.
Instead of being grateful that I have friends like this, I'm worried about how many people are going to show up tomorrow and about whatever else might go wrong. I'm more convicted than ever that I need to get objective third party feedback on how I see things. I know that this is a good thing, yet I'm reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis:
"What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good'? Have they never even been to a dentist?
My first fund raiser is tomorrow. My friend Barbara Morrison has offered to do a series of concerts to help me raise money. Jack Maeby, who runs the band Little Faith, has offered to do something similar.
Instead of being grateful that I have friends like this, I'm worried about how many people are going to show up tomorrow and about whatever else might go wrong. I'm more convicted than ever that I need to get objective third party feedback on how I see things. I know that this is a good thing, yet I'm reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis:
"What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good'? Have they never even been to a dentist?
The elephant
I'm struggling with this entry. I started with 5-6 paragraphs of stream of consciousness trying to get to my intended topic, have deleted/rewritten it several times over a period of 5-6 days. This is taking too long. So here goes:
This is a look into how we form our opinions/beliefs/expectations about things. This is important because this is where we learn to be afraid about the unknown.
These thoughts originated from hearing differing accounts from various homeless people about their experience, specifically about how much trust/friendship that can be found. One person's experience was that other homeless people he encountered generally looked out for each other. Another person's experience was that homeless people all preyed on each other.
We are typically bombarded by opinions/reviews hoping to shape our thinking, much of it unsolicited. In a lot of instances, it's helpful to have that as a frame of reference to help set reasonable expectations; it's a bad idea to walk down a dark alley a night, etc. You can get as much feedback as you can from as many people you know, but it can still turn out like the story/parable of the blind men and the elephant. Each blind man touches only a part of the elephant and assumes that they have a complete understanding of what an elephant is. The problem is that no one realizes that their blindness prevents them from seeing how their experience is the total of reality.
Perhaps the opinions we need to seek most are feedback on our blind spots.
This is a look into how we form our opinions/beliefs/expectations about things. This is important because this is where we learn to be afraid about the unknown.
These thoughts originated from hearing differing accounts from various homeless people about their experience, specifically about how much trust/friendship that can be found. One person's experience was that other homeless people he encountered generally looked out for each other. Another person's experience was that homeless people all preyed on each other.
We are typically bombarded by opinions/reviews hoping to shape our thinking, much of it unsolicited. In a lot of instances, it's helpful to have that as a frame of reference to help set reasonable expectations; it's a bad idea to walk down a dark alley a night, etc. You can get as much feedback as you can from as many people you know, but it can still turn out like the story/parable of the blind men and the elephant. Each blind man touches only a part of the elephant and assumes that they have a complete understanding of what an elephant is. The problem is that no one realizes that their blindness prevents them from seeing how their experience is the total of reality.
Perhaps the opinions we need to seek most are feedback on our blind spots.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)