This is kinda personal and something I wouldn't normally share, except I choose to believe that it might help someone reading this. But I'm also excited because even as I write this, I see how this seems to lead to a lot of other thoughts that are going to be helpful... (for me, at least!)
I have a less than ideal relationship with my mother due to a lack of communication. I consider this to be a source of some of my biggest fears and regrets. It's all the more frustrating because I consider myself to be fairly articulate and also consider myself to be a pretty good listener. The problem was that our communication was hampered both by a lack of formal education on the part of my mother and also by cultural/language barriers. I feel like I need to clarify that a bit. My mother's father was the village school teacher and he died during WWII when my mother was about 9 years old. So her schooling pretty much ended there, not counting a couple of months of ESL shortly after I was born in the US. I, OTOH, could read college level texts when I was about 5 years old, and all my life, probably driven by a need to be heard and understood, I have always tried to use the most appropriate word or turn of phrase, hoping that my audience would appreciate the nuance - a hope that's dashed more often than not, sadly. And while becoming fluent in my mother's native tongue might have alleviated some of problem (just so you know, I paused for a second before deciding to use the word alleviate), the reality is that cultural barriers would still exist. For example, things like "privacy" or even the phrase "don't take it personally" have no equivalents in chinese language and culture.
The long and short of it is that the typical M.O. is that I would try and tell something to my mother, and it would get caught up in trying to explain the meaning of a word I used, which would result in my never getting to the actual things I hoped to convey. It wasn't limited to just my mother, but it hurt the most to feel like I wasn't ever being heard by my mother. It hurt less to bottle things up and and be self-sufficient than to feel being unheard (like the haircut incident I blogged about in http://samstabbed.blogspot.com/2016/08/a-minority-experience-bowl-haircuts.html), and so that's what I've done most of my life. This line of thought deserves its own entry, and I choose to go back to the intial premise of this entry
My mom called this past weekend, and like most moms, asked some questions I didn't want to answer and I told her so. She asked why, and I frankly told her that it felt like she never heard anything I tried to say. The ensuing conversation followed a fairly predictable route: she asked me to try and explain, and for a number of minutes, her response to everything I said was: "I don't understand", and I began to feel the familiar sense of frustration I've had to deal with over the years. I didn't see that way at the time, but I had a choice: to shut down and withdraw or to keep trying to connect, or respond to the fear from risking another result of bitter disappointment. I elected to keep trying, and I finally connected. Knowing that Chinese culture more or less forces everyone to interpret any sort of dissatisfaction and personalize it. I struggled for a way to express something that could be heard, and out of nowhere, the following words came out of my mouth: "I don't like it being this way. But it doesn't make me mad. It just makes me feel sad." And we both started crying.
What exactly is the point of all this? I can't tell everything for sure but right now:
1) I feel like I was able to communicate something fundamental with my mother that I never had been able to before, and in doing so, I made a choice to not let the fear of feeling an old pain control my actions;
2) I hope that I was able to express sadness/pain in a way that made her understand that I wasn't blaming her. I think there's a deeper fundamental point in that that should help anyone trying to air a grievance - hence the title, don't get mad, get sad. When there's anger, it's typically driven by a sense of injustice. When there's injustice, it's typically associated with assigning blame and making restitution, and so when there's anger, it typically provokes a defensive response.
I don't remember the context, but I remember the quote from a young child sitting on the lap of a grieving grandparent: "I decided to stay and help him cry." That might be one of the most profound things I've ever heard, although I haven't grasped its profundity until now. I think it's the right attitude to have when dealing with someone who's grieving. More on this later.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Monday, October 10, 2016
Lighting the First Match
I learned an important lesson recently; we are not alone in the shadows. I share the lesson because I believe we all benefit from knowing it.
I DJ weekly at a place that has live bands play, usually within the soul and blues genres. The place has a dedicated dance floor, and I dance when I like the song and when there's someone I think I'd enjoy dancing with to that particular song (this is another shadow I need to shine some light on, but that's outside the scope of this particular entry). I've developed a fair amount of dance partnering skills over the years, and a lot of people have told me that they enjoy watching me (all right, I'll go there now - despite this, I'm hesitant to ask certain people to dance for a number of reasons I understand to be silly but it still is what it is), and I've also noticed when certain people watch me as well.
One such person was there last night. She's a singer with a band that performs there every month, and I've noticed her watch me as I dance. The band played a slow song featuring another member of the band as a vocalist, so she came off the stage and sat down in the audience. I approached her, and asked her if she'd like to dance. She said that she really appreciated me asking her as she'd watched me dance on numerous nights but she was afraid that she'd be a terrible partner. We chatted for a bit, during which time, she promised me that she'd dance with me the next time I asked her.
The point is that even though we both wanted the same thing - to dance with each other, letting fear win would have resulted in us never even exploring the possibility. But all it takes is one person lighting the first match to make the shadows go away - not just your own shadows, but other people's shadows as well.
This learned lesson reinforces the idea people are waiting for me to slay the dragon, even if it's one scale at a time.
I DJ weekly at a place that has live bands play, usually within the soul and blues genres. The place has a dedicated dance floor, and I dance when I like the song and when there's someone I think I'd enjoy dancing with to that particular song (this is another shadow I need to shine some light on, but that's outside the scope of this particular entry). I've developed a fair amount of dance partnering skills over the years, and a lot of people have told me that they enjoy watching me (all right, I'll go there now - despite this, I'm hesitant to ask certain people to dance for a number of reasons I understand to be silly but it still is what it is), and I've also noticed when certain people watch me as well.
One such person was there last night. She's a singer with a band that performs there every month, and I've noticed her watch me as I dance. The band played a slow song featuring another member of the band as a vocalist, so she came off the stage and sat down in the audience. I approached her, and asked her if she'd like to dance. She said that she really appreciated me asking her as she'd watched me dance on numerous nights but she was afraid that she'd be a terrible partner. We chatted for a bit, during which time, she promised me that she'd dance with me the next time I asked her.
The point is that even though we both wanted the same thing - to dance with each other, letting fear win would have resulted in us never even exploring the possibility. But all it takes is one person lighting the first match to make the shadows go away - not just your own shadows, but other people's shadows as well.
This learned lesson reinforces the idea people are waiting for me to slay the dragon, even if it's one scale at a time.
The Dragon's Shadow
Fear is like a dragon. I have an idea of what it's going to take to slay the dragon, but first I need to find it. It occurs to me that even if I can't see the dragon, I can see the shadow that the dragon casts by identifying patterns of behavior in me that are clearly influenced by my inappropriate beliefs.
For example, I've been told over the years that a lot of people consider me aloof. I've also had friends tell me that they wished that other people knew me the way that they knew me. It's obvious to me now that my choice of behavior is a defense mechanism to protect me from the fear of being rejected, and I have often made it difficult for people to get to know the real me. I only allow people to get to know me when they enter a situation where I feel like I have a sense of control. This is a common M.O. for people who are slaves to fear - the greater the fear, the more that they try to control the external circumstances. That sense of control can take many different forms, and I'm sure I have no idea of all the things I do. Having said that, right now at this very moment it now occurs to me why I've been subjected to financial circumstances where I have no control of the situation whatsoever; a large part of my control has been financial security. I can see other shadow shapes that are cast by the dragon; I used to hold monthly dance parties where I opened up my house to a lot of complete strangers. I see now that it was largely about creating my own safe place and allowing selected bits of the world into it. I do the same thing now where I've been DJ-ing every week for a number of years now. I prefer to stay in the comfort of my established DJ booth rather than try to ingratiate myself into groups of dancers there. The belief is that they are cliques, and on top of that, I don't belong because I am not a lindy dancer. I see that I carry a lot of beliefs that I don't belong anywhere I go. Some of it is racial, some of it comes from being aware that my mind works a lot more quickly than most. A lot of it comes from things I have yet to identify. The end result is that I elect to repress a lot of my personality in social settings.
It's not like I hadn't seen some of the shadow before. A number of years ago, a friend made the following observation: "whenever you talk about a potential girlfriend, you're already ambivalent about her or she's already ambivalent about you." I could see even then that there was a pattern of self sabotaging behavior and how it affected my decision making process across the board. I just had no idea of the size of the shadow, nor did I have any idea of what the dragon was - the fear that is a result of my self-loathing
Loathing is a harsh term, but it was a useful term for me because it helped to convey the depth and the malignancy of the situation. It's provided the impetus to dig into the painful disappointments in my past that have prompted these feelings. Facing and identifying these moments and their impact are part of the process of conquering them.
There's more fear to conquer here painful memories and the belief that I will feel the same amount of pain reliving these memories I've repressed. The reality is that events that may have been painful in the past aren't necessarily going to have the same emotional impact now that I am older with a (hopefully) more mature understanding of the situation and the expectations I had initially. But even if this is not so, it's necessary. And there's a difference between necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering.
At this point I remain unsure of how much self-disclosure is appropriate. But I do believe that sharing the story of the struggle WILL be helpful for others who experience the same kind of self-loathing that I do.
For example, I've been told over the years that a lot of people consider me aloof. I've also had friends tell me that they wished that other people knew me the way that they knew me. It's obvious to me now that my choice of behavior is a defense mechanism to protect me from the fear of being rejected, and I have often made it difficult for people to get to know the real me. I only allow people to get to know me when they enter a situation where I feel like I have a sense of control. This is a common M.O. for people who are slaves to fear - the greater the fear, the more that they try to control the external circumstances. That sense of control can take many different forms, and I'm sure I have no idea of all the things I do. Having said that, right now at this very moment it now occurs to me why I've been subjected to financial circumstances where I have no control of the situation whatsoever; a large part of my control has been financial security. I can see other shadow shapes that are cast by the dragon; I used to hold monthly dance parties where I opened up my house to a lot of complete strangers. I see now that it was largely about creating my own safe place and allowing selected bits of the world into it. I do the same thing now where I've been DJ-ing every week for a number of years now. I prefer to stay in the comfort of my established DJ booth rather than try to ingratiate myself into groups of dancers there. The belief is that they are cliques, and on top of that, I don't belong because I am not a lindy dancer. I see that I carry a lot of beliefs that I don't belong anywhere I go. Some of it is racial, some of it comes from being aware that my mind works a lot more quickly than most. A lot of it comes from things I have yet to identify. The end result is that I elect to repress a lot of my personality in social settings.
It's not like I hadn't seen some of the shadow before. A number of years ago, a friend made the following observation: "whenever you talk about a potential girlfriend, you're already ambivalent about her or she's already ambivalent about you." I could see even then that there was a pattern of self sabotaging behavior and how it affected my decision making process across the board. I just had no idea of the size of the shadow, nor did I have any idea of what the dragon was - the fear that is a result of my self-loathing
Loathing is a harsh term, but it was a useful term for me because it helped to convey the depth and the malignancy of the situation. It's provided the impetus to dig into the painful disappointments in my past that have prompted these feelings. Facing and identifying these moments and their impact are part of the process of conquering them.
There's more fear to conquer here painful memories and the belief that I will feel the same amount of pain reliving these memories I've repressed. The reality is that events that may have been painful in the past aren't necessarily going to have the same emotional impact now that I am older with a (hopefully) more mature understanding of the situation and the expectations I had initially. But even if this is not so, it's necessary. And there's a difference between necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering.
At this point I remain unsure of how much self-disclosure is appropriate. But I do believe that sharing the story of the struggle WILL be helpful for others who experience the same kind of self-loathing that I do.
The mission: Conquering Fear
A process has been started that will culminate in a 501(c)3 entity known as Barry's Kitchen. We've been granted 501(c)3 status from the IRS, but I understand that we can not begin to solicit tax deductible donations, until the powers that be grant our corporate seal.
The process has included developing a vision statement. While it's been strongly felt that including certain details of my story are more likely to prompt people to contribute, I was uncomfortable about making it about me. And appropriately so, because it's not about me. It's about conquering fear.
First, it's not just providing a meal, it's about creating a temporary oasis where anyone can come and gather in community to share a meal. It's about easing a little bit of the fear and anxiety of those who don't even have a place to lay their head at night - that for at least a few moments of that day, they know where their next meal is coming from, they can gather knowing that for at least for the duration of the meal, they're safe; they won't be hassled by other homeless or by the police while we're there serving. And if I can say so, it's about knowing that someone cares enough about them to continue to try and help them despite the possible potential cost to themselves.
That provides a nice segue about my conquering fear in terms of continuing to help the homeless after my being attacked. More detail on that can be found at: http://samstabbed.blogspot.com/2013/03/this-blogged-is-tied-to-my-other.html But I'm now only beginning to realize the depth of the fears that haunt me. Very recently, a good friend made an observation about me. The phrasing was harsh, but the harshness was required for me to grasp the depth of the truth in the observation. And the truth is that I loathe myself. Let me clarify this. I loathe myself in a way that prompts to perform self-sabotaging behavior on a routine basis. I loathe myself so that I don't pursue anything unless I'm pretty sure that I can conquer any potential problems. I loathe myself because I believe that I am somehow jinxed. And it's clear to me that I can not continue to think this way without having a serious impact on the potential success of Barry's Kitchen as a vehicle to accomplish good things. I've already seen an example of how my self-loathing has prompted me to think small. A few months ago, I created a request for funds on gofundme.com, and I requested funds both to reimburse me for some of the expense that will be incurred providing food for the homeless in 2016. I put a limit at $1000, and I posted the request on Facebook. A friend suggested that I rewrite the request because I left out a lot of pertinent details. I responded that my target audience was people that already knew me, and the friend then asked me: "Are you afraid that some eccentric millionaire might see your request and donate $10000?" and truthfully, I had to respond yes to that.
The point to all of this is that while yes, I had to conquer a certain amount of fear in choosing to continue to work with the homeless, but there's a lot more fear left to conquer - including the fear that Barry's Kitchen might grow into something beyond I now recognize to be very modest dreams. And now it's incumbent on me to do some serious soul searching and deal with this. And it occurs to me that the message about conquering fears goes beyond helping the homeless. There are a lot of people out there with awesome potential who will never realize it because they're trapped in the same kind of thinking.
It occurs to me that I've finally discovered the real purpose of this blog, not to mention the working vision for Barry's Kitchen - it's about helping people find the strength to persevere when it come to pursuing the desires of their hearts after they've experienced a serious setback. It's both inspiring and terrifying to think that there are a lot of people out there waiting for me to conquer this myself.
The process has included developing a vision statement. While it's been strongly felt that including certain details of my story are more likely to prompt people to contribute, I was uncomfortable about making it about me. And appropriately so, because it's not about me. It's about conquering fear.
First, it's not just providing a meal, it's about creating a temporary oasis where anyone can come and gather in community to share a meal. It's about easing a little bit of the fear and anxiety of those who don't even have a place to lay their head at night - that for at least a few moments of that day, they know where their next meal is coming from, they can gather knowing that for at least for the duration of the meal, they're safe; they won't be hassled by other homeless or by the police while we're there serving. And if I can say so, it's about knowing that someone cares enough about them to continue to try and help them despite the possible potential cost to themselves.
That provides a nice segue about my conquering fear in terms of continuing to help the homeless after my being attacked. More detail on that can be found at: http://samstabbed.blogspot.com/2013/03/this-blogged-is-tied-to-my-other.html But I'm now only beginning to realize the depth of the fears that haunt me. Very recently, a good friend made an observation about me. The phrasing was harsh, but the harshness was required for me to grasp the depth of the truth in the observation. And the truth is that I loathe myself. Let me clarify this. I loathe myself in a way that prompts to perform self-sabotaging behavior on a routine basis. I loathe myself so that I don't pursue anything unless I'm pretty sure that I can conquer any potential problems. I loathe myself because I believe that I am somehow jinxed. And it's clear to me that I can not continue to think this way without having a serious impact on the potential success of Barry's Kitchen as a vehicle to accomplish good things. I've already seen an example of how my self-loathing has prompted me to think small. A few months ago, I created a request for funds on gofundme.com, and I requested funds both to reimburse me for some of the expense that will be incurred providing food for the homeless in 2016. I put a limit at $1000, and I posted the request on Facebook. A friend suggested that I rewrite the request because I left out a lot of pertinent details. I responded that my target audience was people that already knew me, and the friend then asked me: "Are you afraid that some eccentric millionaire might see your request and donate $10000?" and truthfully, I had to respond yes to that.
The point to all of this is that while yes, I had to conquer a certain amount of fear in choosing to continue to work with the homeless, but there's a lot more fear left to conquer - including the fear that Barry's Kitchen might grow into something beyond I now recognize to be very modest dreams. And now it's incumbent on me to do some serious soul searching and deal with this. And it occurs to me that the message about conquering fears goes beyond helping the homeless. There are a lot of people out there with awesome potential who will never realize it because they're trapped in the same kind of thinking.
It occurs to me that I've finally discovered the real purpose of this blog, not to mention the working vision for Barry's Kitchen - it's about helping people find the strength to persevere when it come to pursuing the desires of their hearts after they've experienced a serious setback. It's both inspiring and terrifying to think that there are a lot of people out there waiting for me to conquer this myself.
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