Fear is like a dragon. I have an idea of what it's going to take to slay the dragon, but first I need to find it. It occurs to me that even if I can't see the dragon, I can see the shadow that the dragon casts by identifying patterns of behavior in me that are clearly influenced by my inappropriate beliefs.
For example, I've been told over the years that a lot of people consider me aloof. I've also had friends tell me that they wished that other people knew me the way that they knew me. It's obvious to me now that my choice of behavior is a defense mechanism to protect me from the fear of being rejected, and I have often made it difficult for people to get to know the real me. I only allow people to get to know me when they enter a situation where I feel like I have a sense of control. This is a common M.O. for people who are slaves to fear - the greater the fear, the more that they try to control the external circumstances. That sense of control can take many different forms, and I'm sure I have no idea of all the things I do. Having said that, right now at this very moment it now occurs to me why I've been subjected to financial circumstances where I have no control of the situation whatsoever; a large part of my control has been financial security. I can see other shadow shapes that are cast by the dragon; I used to hold monthly dance parties where I opened up my house to a lot of complete strangers. I see now that it was largely about creating my own safe place and allowing selected bits of the world into it. I do the same thing now where I've been DJ-ing every week for a number of years now. I prefer to stay in the comfort of my established DJ booth rather than try to ingratiate myself into groups of dancers there. The belief is that they are cliques, and on top of that, I don't belong because I am not a lindy dancer. I see that I carry a lot of beliefs that I don't belong anywhere I go. Some of it is racial, some of it comes from being aware that my mind works a lot more quickly than most. A lot of it comes from things I have yet to identify. The end result is that I elect to repress a lot of my personality in social settings.
It's not like I hadn't seen some of the shadow before. A number of years ago, a friend made the following observation: "whenever you talk about a potential girlfriend, you're already ambivalent about her or she's already ambivalent about you." I could see even then that there was a pattern of self sabotaging behavior and how it affected my decision making process across the board. I just had no idea of the size of the shadow, nor did I have any idea of what the dragon was - the fear that is a result of my self-loathing
Loathing is a harsh term, but it was a useful term for me because it helped to convey the depth and the malignancy of the situation. It's provided the impetus to dig into the painful disappointments in my past that have prompted these feelings. Facing and identifying these moments and their impact are part of the process of conquering them.
There's more fear to conquer here painful memories and the belief that I will feel the same amount of pain reliving these memories I've repressed. The reality is that events that may have been painful in the past aren't necessarily going to have the same emotional impact now that I am older with a (hopefully) more mature understanding of the situation and the expectations I had initially. But even if this is not so, it's necessary. And there's a difference between necessary suffering and unnecessary suffering.
At this point I remain unsure of how much self-disclosure is appropriate. But I do believe that sharing the story of the struggle WILL be helpful for others who experience the same kind of self-loathing that I do.
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